My reality!

 

"She was so sensitive! But it was the way she was crying, it's like they hurt her so deeply, in her soul. It's like she couldn't help herself from hurting so deep." 

Make it make sense...

Here is an example of something I consider a type of evil! Sometime in the late 90s or so, I would spend a lot of time at the park in Rittenhouse Square or whatever, most times I would sit on a bench & listen to music, or sometimes I would be reading or "writing"- this particular time I was mostly listening to music, and escaping into fantasy land( which I've been doing since I was 5), when this old couple who were the same racial background as me sat on a bench across from me and after maybe 15 minutes or so, both of them start talking about me, saying something like " Look at her, she can't even smile, she doesn't even know how to smile" in such a judgmental and frustrated tone. Mr. and Mrs. DUMBASS have no idea of what I've been through(and don't care), haven't walked in my shoes, it never occurs to them that maybe I don't have a reason to smile, cause they're evil and stupid. Sensitive and thinking people don't say stupid shit like that... they probably abused their children. 

Funny how they didn't notice that I'm a lost, sad girl trapped in a woman's body, but that doesn't matter to people like that. All they care about is how I supposedly offended them by not being happy go lucky and friendly...

Jill Jones - Station

 

Alternative blackness -part 3!

 So, one day back in the 90s, I happen to overhear a conversation going on with my youngest sister and her friends, and one of them( if I'm remembering correctly), mentioned a scene in a tv show where someone was telling another character- "I love you"and one of her other friends then said, "That's white people stuff"..... Typical!

Oh really, so ONLY white people are capable of feeling or expressing LOVE?! We(black people) are above such concepts as romantic love... funny how we have no problem with LUST! I guess that's one of those things that WE are supposed to think is "corny", see my earlier posts where I talk about the "community's" use of that stupid word.

I'm reminded of that scene in New Jack City where Nino Brown's main girlfriend is basically pouring her heart to him and his response is something about how what she is expressing is "soap opera shit", which is just another way of calling her corny....

Are we that fucked up as a people that we think expressing loving sentiments to each other is "corny" or white? Funny how our men have no problem screwing as many women as possible, but aren't capable of showing warmth or tenderness to even one of them. 

"My people" also have no problem laughing at each other. 

In another words, my people SUCK!

Edited 4/10/25- I was reminded the other day of the STUPIDITY of the community's treatment of Whitney Houston in the late 80s or whatever- being booed at the Soul Train awards and that fool, Al Sharpton and his so-called boycott, calling her "Whitey" instead of Whitney- her music may not have been as funky as it could have been( you can thank that piece of shit Clive Davis for that) but that doesn't mean it was "white" or that she was a sellout. I liked Where Do Broken Hearts Go. 

See how WE are? 

"Your own people hurt you more"Jimi Hendrix

Edited 5/16/25- Watch this video and pay particular attention to the part where she talks about the "love" scene between Annie and Smoke- at 7:28 .... "And just hitting it from the back INSTEAD of making love"  "normal in the black community".....

I didn't see the movie but when she talked about THAT scene and how it was typical of how black men tend to be unloving with black women, I was reminded of what inspired the first paragraph of this post.

The REAL me....

These outfits( not the boots) 

These women are models. When I say, the "real me" , I'm talking about what styles and colors I'm attracted to!

Not repeating this cycle!

On October 17, my mother said to me-" I don't care about your mental health!" 

She FINALLY admitted it. 

Has she ever? 

I am a broken child inside an adult body with grey hair......

I confronted her about what she said, another day and she did what she always does- deny that she said it, I used to contemplate the idea of carrying around a tape recorder to provide evidence of the things she says... 

All these years I was ALWAYS on her side, whenever she and my grandmother ( her mother) would get into it, but I should've figured it out, there are no sides, cause they're both the same, she treated my mom like crap, & my mom does the same to me. 

I still feel sorry for my mom because of the way Nana treated her, her whole life, but maybe I shouldn't.

The Deele- Suspicious

 Very Princely.. 

The teachers weren't shit, either....

 NONE of the teachers ever bothered to notice that I was a sad, withdrawn, and lost little girl....

Or they just didn't care.

For some reason I'm not worth caring about....

I need to remember this: