I remember the day before my cat died, I came downstairs and saw her sitting on the couch with blood pouring out of her beautiful eyes and looking at me with an expression of despair- probably because certain people were walking past her & NOT BOTHERING TO NOTICE her condition....
Sounds like my WHOLE life, except for the blood. NO ONE noticed MY DESPAIR.....
I have no idea of what that Smashing Pumpkins song is about😁
But the world is a vampire!
Anyway, black women aren't allowed to have childhood trauma/ CPTSD - because we will DEFINITELY have ANGER ISSUES, and all people will see is "the angry black woman".... and there will be NO empathy for whatever we have or are going through. No compassion or support.
We get accused of being angry even when we're not, we have to walk around like a smiley faced fool ALL THE TIME!
Sobbing like a 5 year old, oh yes, I've been on & off sobbing since I was 5, & for the most part, a nervous wreck, angry, sad, insecure, unsafe and contemplating suicide..... and my so-called family including my MOTHER never noticed.
(Didn't care what I went through at school either, and those damn teachers didn't seem to notice I was a sad, miserable child.)
And in those RARE moments I was happy, it didn't last long. NOT once, did ANYONE ever ask if I was OK.... cause THEY don't care if I'm ok, that's what happens when you're RAISED BY NARCISSISTS!
Like I said on another post, my mother can barely stand me, I NEVER felt like she wanted me around, and I can't talk to her cause she really can't be bothered but I better not disrespect her, & I BETTER help her, when she needs it, with a smile on my face.
Check this out, one time early this year, I made the mistake of reading out loud to my mother, one of many "mental health" or whatever articles about my issues- this one in particular proved that my type of "family environment" causes anxiety and her response to this was "OH, POOR YOU!"
Now, does that sound like someone who REALLY gives a damn?! She is never on my side, I should have been able to cry on her shoulder..
Anyway, time to talk about what was happening when I was 5 years old, my mother was in the hospital a lot when she was pregnant and at least, one of those times... my father left me in the car by myself at night, while he was in a bar or whatever and I remember crying or sobbing hysterically, cause I was worrying he was never coming back... I don't remember what happened when he finally came back. I also don't remember if it happened more than once.
Once again, I'M A 5 YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL CRYING HYSTERICALLY IN THE CAR ALONE CAUSE MY FATHER JUST LEFT ME ALONE IN THAT CAR AT NIGHT, WHILE HE WAS DOING WHATEVER, PROBABLY CHEATING ON MY MOTHER...
Of course, if I told my aunt, cousin, or sisters about it, they probably wouldn't even believe me. So they can kiss my ass, and don't cry at my funeral!
It hasn't been that long since I posted about a Jethro Tull song but listening to it, makes me think of something....
It sounds like the perfect music to play while MAKING LOVE- which I doubt most people even do. Something beautiful and romantic.
Most of humanity ain't into that, they would rather do the things acted out in THOSE videos, and magazines, things a perverted industry made up- an example of humanity's depravity and how warped most people are. Serial killers ALWAYS have a collection of that crap. Of course, that sicko pervert Steve Powell LOVED watching that FILTH!
Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.... rhymes with corn, and begins with the letter P
You're not allowed to criticize that "art form" or you will be called a prude... frankly, there are worse things to be!
Something happened last night that reminded me of a vile pattern- my piece of shit cousin Rhonda Thompas Morton just happens to leave her room to walk to the bathroom( with her pajama pants at her ankles and top up, so her buttcheeks are EXPOSED for some inexplicable reason) as I'm walking up the steps to go to my bedroom... This was not the first time I was exposed to dumbass family member's PRIVATE PARTS, my grandmother used to get up at night to go to the bathroom with a camisole and NO underwear on(her bedroom was connected to my room), Derick Jr. opened the bathroom door once as his towel falls off and his penis is exposed, as I am walking to my room, I think he wanted that to happen, cause he had to hear me walking, right before he opened the door, his girlfriend Naje- naked in the hallway as I leave my room AGAIN... How dare I leave my bedroom or come upstairs to go to bed or the bathroom, trouble finds me and knowing the way THEY are, it's somehow my fault.... funny how no one EVER sees me half-naked... I guess I'm the only one in this IGNORANT family with COMMON SENSE and DIGNITY!
And if I remember correctly in another post, I mentioned that the queen of the imbeciles(aunt Margie) during my childhood would leave the bathroom after washing, completely naked, apparently it took her awhile to figure out what a bathrobe was or just to take her bra & panties in the DAMN BATHROOM WITH HER!
Yes, people who leave their bedroom or bathroom or walk around the house with private parts exposed when they live with people they aren't sleeping with, all willy-nilly are IGNORANT!
Not to mention, the sitting on the toilet with the door OPEN- which both Margie & Rhonda are guilty of.
The funny thing is childhood never really ends - at least not the bad parts- no matter where you go, there are still BULLIES everywhere.....
And people are really something.... if someone is acting crazy outside- like talking to themselves really loud or yelling at random people or whatever - other people can't wait to laugh at or judge this person, like "how dare they be mentally ill"...
Meanwhile MOST of these people spend their worthless lives constantly doing or saying things that cause people to end up going CRAZY! The fucking nerve....
"And the WOUNDS that some WORDS leave NEVER HEAL because each time the word is thrown at you, labeled on you, you bleed afresh from it. It's more like a WHIP that CUTS every time, until you feel it must flay the very skin from your bones, & yet outwardly there is no wound to show the world, so they think you are not hurt, when inside, a part of you DIES EVERY TIME."
Laurell Hamilton
Anyway, I don't fit in with most "aesthetics"/" essences"/ categories/groups/subcultures/ or whatever.... But I DON'T WANT TO FIT IN!
I am dark and moody & proud of it!
But I don't know whose dumb idea it was to put 3 of the most overrated. OVERPLAYED songs in this movie - Time of The Season, really?
And don't even get me started on These Boots Are Made for Walkin or I'm Feeling Good- 😫.... come on..
But at least a victim of childhood trauma got her revenge and looked foxy doing it!
I love to watch videos of women trying out lipsticks.
Men who have a problem with women wearing makeup- especially lipstick, can DROP DEAD! Always going on and on about wanting a woman to be NATURAL... meanwhile I bet they have no issues with a woman who has fake boobs... Imbeciles!
The anniversary of my cat's death, she showed me more love than any human....
Meanwhile the aunt, cousin, her husband, her son and his (now wife) are still alive, for some reason!
This article describes me for the MOST part:
https://louisebehiel.com/the-lost-child-finding-the-way-back-from-emptiness/
Once again, just because I was a lost/invisible child DOESN'T mean I wasn't ALSO a scapegoat, when I did get attention, it was usually negative..
And I am the FIRST born of three!
I have the need to fantasize, to escape, a temporary way to fill the emptiness.....
I'm old enough to be a damn grandmother, yet my airheaded cousin- who can't differentiate between an Amber ring & a mood ring- and auntie🙄 (who I mentioned too many times in this blog) STILL think they have the right to talk to me any old kind of way just because they're older or whatever.....
I'm tired of these PEASANTS thinking they're superior to me, in ANY way!
Last night had another dream with "family members"....
Don't remember all of it, but I do remember in it, my mom(as usual) and one of my younger sisters was GASLIGHTING me about something I went through earlier, (I guess) and I was making myself sick trying to get them to believe me....
And when I woke up, I sat up and just started SOBBING and breathing heavily cause I'm SICK of having to live with knowing that I was NEVER cared for besides the bare minimum of food and clothing... I don't know what affection or emotional support feels like.
I usually focus- for the most part- on other so-called family members but not my mother in blog posts, I guess I thought I would feel guilty, but why should I? She NEVER feels guilty about how she has always made me feel. I could be crying buckets of tears right in front of her & she could care less. How do you have a daughter ( your first born) who has severe anxiety/depression/anger issues & NOT give a FUCK?! She is just as much to blame as my father, grandmother/ extended family. Like the other day, she yells at me, then I confront her about 15 minutes or so later and she says, she didn't yell at me, & even though I'm now yelling and crying, & my chest is hurting, she simultaneously GASLIGHTS me, & acts like SHE'S the victim. Sometimes I think she can't stand me. In some ways, she treats me like her mother treated her. We have always had this antagonistic, combative thing going on, in addition to the invalidation and not providing the comfort that mothers are supposed to give.
She probably has more emotional attachment to her clothes & definitely my sisters than she ever had for me.
She also has the nerve(lately) to accuse me of not letting her say what she has to say, ( a BOLD FACED LIE) when she ALWAYS interrupts me before I can finish what I'm trying to say or just talks OVER me.
Also what kind of person will say something to me while she's listening to music in her headphones but it never occurs to her to take them off so she can hear my response, I guess I'm not supposed to respond, cause what I have to say doesn't matter, cause I don't matter...
Last night, I had 2 miserable dreams about relatives, in one of them- I was in the bathroom naked and the door was CLOSED as it should be, BUT that was irrelevant to my VILE cousin Rhonda and her husband( the devil's son-in-law) who just barged in and were talking and pointing at the closet and the walls, acting like the fact that I'm in there doesn't matter and the fact that I'm being DISRESPECTED doesn't matter.....
And then I woke up from this nightmare that is my reality, where I've always been treated like I'm NOTHING!
Sounds familiar.....
Came to the extended SO-CALLED FAMILY situation, already BROKEN so they BROKE me further.... go to school, get BROKEN some more, in the neighborhood, BROKEN some more..
Family exists for the purpose of causing me to be broken, and so, they can keep on BREAKING me.
"You're free, finally at peace."
"The pain is gone"
"Escaping all the hurt within."
These are lyrics to a song by one of my favorite singers.
I'm not a lyrics person, the vocals & musicianship are MOST important to me but these lyrics haunt me because I constantly wonder why should a person have to die in order to truly ESCAPE from all the hurt within, or for their pain to be GONE or for them to FINALLY be free or at PEACE....
I wish I could say I get some peace or experience some escape from the hurt within or FORGET the pain when I' m sleep BUT I BARELY get any goddamn sleep...
That's why I need to be left the hell alone....
Rhonda Thompas Morton- who I have the bad luck of being related to- is such a TRIGGER for me, that I swear sometimes right before she comes into this room or downstairs, I have a hot flash. That BITCH better thank her lucky stars that I can't fight, cause I have wanted to fight her since I was about 11 years old.....
If I was a different kind of person, I would find some thugs to jump her😬 (Shit, I can't even finish writing this without having a damn hot flash)
Why should I be scared of her, she ain't shit! Two-faced airhead deserves to be anxious, & depressed, like me but instead she's walking around whistling and humming ........ That's why I don't wanna hear about karma, people never get what they deserve ....
She was raised by a worthless, thoughtless piece of shit for a mother who should've not been allowed to have children!
Excuse you.... I'll wear LIPSTICK before I would be caught dead wearing stupid lip gloss...
I HATE lip gloss, shiny lips look sleazy, and tacky!
Now this chick understands the superiority of LIPSTICK
Article mentioning the wonderfulness of MATTE red LIPSTICK:https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2021/05/cruella-hair-makeup-designer-interview
These vocals have me damn near in tears....
Loved her smoky low notes.
If the vocals on this song don't MOVE you, you're dead inside....
One can love BOTH Mariah Carey AND Kate Bush!
Too many damn people come outside mainly for the purpose of running their mouths about other people, spreading VILE rumors, LAUGHING AT people, their EVIL EYES on you .......... anything so they can feel superior - at least in the hood.
Another reason I don't fuck with people.
And racism is stupid- frankly most of my trauma, anxiety, and misery has been caused by my own "community"
Just beautiful....
If MARJORIE THOMPAS didn' t spend so much time & energy worrying about what I'm doing or supposedly not doing, playing with her bedroom door, talking about me & doing those little tricks with certain objects in the bathroom to agitate me- she would know what day it is or what time she has to go somewhere or what time her doctors appointments are...
That empty-headed waste of oxygen!
You know, it's almost funny how some people can be as stupid as shit but they know how to MESS WITH PEOPLE.
Not all women...
From what I've seen, its usually the shallow, bougie, trendy "mean girls", who are obsessed with Target - you know the ones who think they're better than everyone else.
The types who carry a Louis Vuitton bag to impress people 🙄 talk about a waste of money.
The types who think Target has a "luxury" or "upscale" environment.... why should that even matter?
He tells the truth with such swagger.
And Russell Simmons is such a loathsome prick.....
I'm convinced Social Anxiety is a sign of a working brain, cause most people are bullies & backstabbers, and can't wait to ridicule you or laugh at you, or talk bad about you.
In other words, the people who DON'T have social anxiety are too busy causing other people to have social anxiety.......
Edited 2/1/23- Just lost all respect for Dr. Joseph Mercola, apparently he thinks Social Anxiety is made up or just mere shyness. See, even the alternative doctors can't be completely trusted.