Why?

"You're free, finally at peace."

"The pain is gone"

"Escaping all the hurt within."

These are lyrics to a song by one of my favorite singers.

I'm not a lyrics person, the vocals & musicianship are MOST important to me but these lyrics haunt me because I constantly wonder why should a person have to die in order to truly ESCAPE from all the hurt within, or for their pain to be GONE or  for them to FINALLY be free or at PEACE....

I wish I could say I get some peace or experience some escape from the hurt within or FORGET the pain when I' m sleep BUT I BARELY get any goddamn sleep...

That's why I need to be left the hell alone.... 

And I wanna self- isolate ALL THE TIME not just when I'm "struggling"- people are the reason I'm struggling in the first place!

I was reading comments on YouTube for another video, and the comments prove me right...social isolation CAN BE beneficial for those of us who need refuge from humanity and their insidiousness. They talk about how they are healthier and less stressed because they choose to live alone and feel SAFE for the first time in their traumatic lives.

AND YES, I WAS ALWAYS LEFT  TO DEAL WITH MY EMOTIONS ALONE AS A CHILD!

But I already wrote about that in previous posts.

Still love this one....

 I went through a Fleetwood Mac phase back when Behind The Music was still a thing....

Enemies NOT loved ones...

 Rhonda Thompas Morton- who I have the bad luck of being related to- is such a TRIGGER for me, that I swear sometimes right before she comes into this room or downstairs, I have a hot flash. That BITCH better thank her lucky stars that I can't fight, cause I have wanted to fight her since I was about 11 years old.....

If I was a different kind of person, I would find some thugs to jump her😬 (Shit, I can't even finish writing this without having a damn hot flash) 

Why should I be scared of her, she ain't shit! Two-faced airhead deserves to be anxious, & depressed, like me but instead she's walking around whistling and humming ........ That's why I don't wanna hear about karma, people never get what they deserve ....

She was raised by a worthless, thoughtless piece of shit for a mother who should've not been allowed to have children!