Average White Band - Soul Searching

 

3 years later....

The anniversary of my cat's death, she showed me more love than any human....

Meanwhile the aunt, cousin, her husband, her son and his (now wife) are still alive, for some reason! 

A Lost Little Girl and Always Will Be..

This article describes me for the MOST part:

https://louisebehiel.com/the-lost-child-finding-the-way-back-from-emptiness/ 

Once again, just because I was a  lost/invisible child DOESN'T mean I wasn't ALSO a scapegoat, when I did get attention, it was usually negative.. 

And I am the FIRST born of three!

I have the need to fantasize, to escape, a temporary way to fill the emptiness.....

When will they get what they deserve?!

 I'm old enough to be a damn grandmother, yet my airheaded cousin- who can't differentiate between an Amber ring & a mood ring- and auntie🙄 (who I mentioned too many times in this blog) STILL think they have the right to talk to me any old kind of way just because they're older or whatever.....

I'm tired of these PEASANTS thinking they're superior to me, in ANY way!

My truth ( once again)

 https://x.com/RhiaCrewe/status/1701896685457121627?s=20

Phyllis Hyman Meet Me On The Moon

 

Miles Davis -Yesternow Part 2

 

Lachrymose in the night...

 Last night had another dream with "family members"....

Don't remember all of it, but I do remember in it, my mom(as usual) and one of my younger sisters was GASLIGHTING me about something I went through earlier, (I guess) and I was making myself sick trying to get them to believe me....

And when I woke up, I sat up and just started SOBBING and breathing heavily cause I'm SICK of having to live with knowing that I was NEVER cared for besides the bare minimum of food and clothing... I don't know what affection or emotional support feels like.

M

I usually focus- for the most part- on other so-called family members but not my mother in blog posts, I guess I thought I would feel guilty, but why should I? She NEVER feels guilty about how she has always made me feel. I could be crying buckets of tears right in front of her & she could care less. How do you have a daughter ( your first born) who has severe anxiety/depression/anger issues & NOT give a FUCK?! She is just as much to blame as my father, grandmother/ extended family. Like the other day, she yells at me, then I confront her about 15 minutes or so later and she says, she didn't yell at me, & even though I'm now yelling and crying, & my chest is hurting, she simultaneously GASLIGHTS me, &  acts like SHE'S the victim. Sometimes I think she can't stand me. In some ways, she treats me like her mother treated her. We have always had this antagonistic, combative thing going on, in addition to the invalidation and not providing the comfort that mothers are supposed to give.

She probably has more emotional attachment to her clothes & definitely my sisters than she ever had for me.

She also has the nerve(lately) to accuse me of not letting her say what she has to say, ( a BOLD FACED LIE) when she ALWAYS interrupts me before I can finish what I'm trying to say or just talks OVER me. 

Also what kind of person will say something to me while she's listening to music in her headphones but it never occurs to her to take them off so she can hear my response, I guess I'm not supposed to respond, cause what I have to say doesn't matter, cause I don't matter...