Miles Davis -Yesternow Part 2

 

Lachrymose in the night...

 Last night had another dream with "family members"....

Don't remember all of it, but I do remember in it, my mom(as usual) and one of my younger sisters was GASLIGHTING me about something I went through earlier, (I guess) and I was making myself sick trying to get them to believe me....

And when I woke up, I sat up and just started SOBBING and breathing heavily cause I'm SICK of having to live with knowing that I was NEVER cared for besides the bare minimum of food and clothing... I don't know what affection or emotional support feels like.

M

I usually focus- for the most part- on other so-called family members but not my mother in blog posts, I guess I thought I would feel guilty, but why should I? She NEVER feels guilty about how she has always made me feel. I could be crying buckets of tears right in front of her & she could care less. How do you have a daughter ( your first born) who has severe anxiety/depression/anger issues & NOT give a FUCK?! She is just as much to blame as my father, grandmother/ extended family. Like the other day, she yells at me, then I confront her about 15 minutes or so later and she says, she didn't yell at me, & even though I'm now yelling and crying, & my chest is hurting, she simultaneously GASLIGHTS me, &  acts like SHE'S the victim. Sometimes I think she can't stand me. In some ways, she treats me like her mother treated her. We have always had this antagonistic, combative thing going on, in addition to the invalidation and not providing the comfort that mothers are supposed to give.

She probably has more emotional attachment to her clothes & definitely my sisters than she ever had for me.

She also has the nerve(lately) to accuse me of not letting her say what she has to say, ( a BOLD FACED LIE) when she ALWAYS interrupts me before I can finish what I'm trying to say or just talks OVER me. 

Also what kind of person will say something to me while she's listening to music in her headphones but it never occurs to her to take them off so she can hear my response, I guess I'm not supposed to respond, cause what I have to say doesn't matter, cause I don't matter...

Story of my life..

 Last night, I had 2 miserable dreams about relatives, in one of them- I was in the bathroom naked and the door was CLOSED as it should be, BUT that was irrelevant to my VILE cousin Rhonda and her husband( the devil's son-in-law) who just barged in and were talking and pointing at the closet and the walls, acting like the fact that I'm in there doesn't matter and the fact that I'm being DISRESPECTED doesn't matter.....

And then I woke up from this nightmare that is my reality, where I've always been treated like I'm NOTHING!

EVERYBODY benefited from my trauma!!

 "A sobbing five year old" 

Sounds familiar.....

Came to the extended SO-CALLED FAMILY situation, already BROKEN so they BROKE me further.... go to school, get BROKEN some more, in the neighborhood, BROKEN some more.. 

Family exists for the purpose of causing me to be broken, and so,  they can keep on BREAKING me.

The way it feels to FLY.......

 Her vocals on this song(Butterfly) between 3:10-3:42 are the reason this is NOW my favorite Mariah song and frankly, the WHOLE song (including the hypnotic chorus) is a MASTERPIECE , & should be considered one of the greatest songs ever written.

( Have a box of Kleenex nearby)

I think even Mariah HATERS would love this song, if they took the time to really listen.  The Butterfly album is a must own album, it's damn near perfection.

This is also on that album- Fly Away( Butterfly reprise) - You're welcome!

Why?

"You're free, finally at peace."

"The pain is gone"

"Escaping all the hurt within."

These are lyrics to a song by one of my favorite singers.

I'm not a lyrics person, the vocals & musicianship are MOST important to me but these lyrics haunt me because I constantly wonder why should a person have to die in order to truly ESCAPE from all the hurt within, or for their pain to be GONE or  for them to FINALLY be free or at PEACE....

I wish I could say I get some peace or experience some escape from the hurt within or FORGET the pain when I' m sleep BUT I BARELY get any goddamn sleep...

That's why I need to be left the hell alone.... 

And I wanna self- isolate ALL THE TIME not just when I'm "struggling"- people are the reason I'm struggling in the first place!

I was reading comments on YouTube for another video, and the comments prove me right...social isolation CAN BE beneficial for those of us who need refuge from humanity and their insidiousness. They talk about how they are healthier and less stressed because they choose to live alone and feel SAFE for the first time in their traumatic lives.

AND YES, I WAS ALWAYS LEFT  TO DEAL WITH MY EMOTIONS ALONE AS A CHILD!

But I already wrote about that in previous posts.

Still love this one....

 I went through a Fleetwood Mac phase back when Behind The Music was still a thing....

Enemies NOT loved ones...

 Rhonda Thompas Morton- who I have the bad luck of being related to- is such a TRIGGER for me, that I swear sometimes right before she comes into this room or downstairs, I have a hot flash. That BITCH better thank her lucky stars that I can't fight, cause I have wanted to fight her since I was about 11 years old.....

If I was a different kind of person, I would find some thugs to jump her😬 (Shit, I can't even finish writing this without having a damn hot flash) 

Why should I be scared of her, she ain't shit! Two-faced airhead deserves to be anxious, & depressed, like me but instead she's walking around whistling and humming ........ That's why I don't wanna hear about karma, people never get what they deserve ....

She was raised by a worthless, thoughtless piece of shit for a mother who should've not been allowed to have children!